HOPE it comes and it goes....

Mostly goes. I had hope for a few weeks of opening our own office again and working together, building a nice patient base, having fun working it and such but about as quickly as the hope came it went away again. The deal fell through and so did my hope. It was exciting thinking about it for a couple of months and thinking about ways to build the business and market it. Wasn't meant to be. This whole thing brought up all the old feelings of failure, questions as to why things are this way and such. If the whole plan was to open our own place in NC the 7 years we were in college why this? Why if we wanted to work together do we each go our own ways daily? Why if we weren't suppose to work together did I learn about office things, web things, marketing things? I just don't get it and it frustrates me.

Now hope is not my word for 2012, JOY is and I'm still trying to get it back. 1/2 way through the year now and it's really not there. I continue to struggle with being where I am and I feel pretty lonely most of the time. So just exactly what, who or where will bring my joy back I don't know. ...thoughts of umbrella drinks on a beach come to mind...but really I don't think that would bring it back.

I changed jobs, traded my part time in for a full time one so things are looking up financially. Now to get a budget and stick to it! Debt is not my friend, it wears on me. Currently we are homeless while we wait for the rental house we want to rent to be vacant so we are living with a couple we met this past year, they have taken us in and treated us like family. Going to the storage unit to get stuff is depressing and we didn't know we'd be in storage this long but nobody wants to rent to us for 2 months. Not even apartment complexes. Thank you Lord for friends. We try to give them a break on weekends by going north or south to friends/family houses to visit and catch up on laundry. LOL - homeless = road trips to wash clothes!

Facing the big 5-0 in a couple of months puts things into perspective.... I'm too old for some of the crap I am having to deal with! FML

As for the gizmo, I haven't seen a doctor since 2010. It seems to work as I do get stuck if I don't chew chew chew. Liquid calories are not my friend. And I still haven't got myself together and back on track with diet and exercise. Would this bring my joy back?

off to find my self discipline.......

Lazy Sunday

And had to push to get my body into these jeans I am wearing like a girdle! Not cool. ;-p

Made it to church today....tried another one. HE has a place for me! I just need to find it. I am reading Jesus Calling as my devotional this year. Really getting some good stuff out of it! HE IS faithful.

Hope everyone has a great week and can meet some of the goals that have been set!!

Bringing It Down...

209.2 that gives me hope again peeps!! No exercise in about 2 weeks with the weather change (freezing cold outside)and my excuses not to move it. ;-( This weigh in might just be a fluke on the scale but I'm hoping not. Baby steps! Onward and downward....

I Knew It...

I knew it wasn't going to be pretty...
Now how to type it on my blog....
I've seen it....
I've written it in my journal...
But do I totally want to expose it to everyone in blog land?...
This is gonna hurt....
212.4 is what the official first 2012 weigh in was this morning....OUCH!
How depressing....
Let's see what I shall I blame it on....
me...
ME...
ME...
I can only blame myself for over indulgence, no food journal, eating unhealthy foods, drinking gallons of wine, no exercise, no goals.....
ME, I've done it to myself..
Now to correct it, baby steps, changes, focus on getting ME back on track.
It's starts today, here, now....let's roll (literally) onward and downward!!

Picked my word for 2012....

JOY just keeps coming up over and over again so that settles it!! My word for 2012 is JOY!! Now to set goals on how to reach maximum JOY in my life! I'm gonna set some long term goals, some short term goals and I'm gonna reach for the stars this year! What do I have to lose?! Weight for one thing!! bahaha ~ I'll be stepping on the scale this Thursday morning for my official 2012 weigh in. Why do I have a feeling it ain't gonna be pretty? Could be cuz my gut seems to stick out further than it ever has, I continually feel like a bloated fat cow and I'm just disgusted with myself. Yeppers, could be all that and then some!

So JOY it is my faithful followers ~ did you pick a word for 2012?

Merry CHRISTmas! I've missed you!!

Hello fellow bloggers...it's been awhile (again) sorry but you know me if I don't have something nice to say I should just keep my fingers still. ;-P

I am happy to say my sons were here with us for some time this holiday season! Being an empty nest mama is not all it's cracked up to be sometimes ~ LOL. I'm sure it has a lot to do with new area, not connected locally, no friends here....etc. You know the drill. No dwelling on that subject. Mama bear has been happy to have her cubs with her.

So I've been pondering over my word for 2012....again. hhhhhmmm since I want my JOY back I'm thinking very hard on that word. We drove around looking at lights tonight and I saw the word twice in two different yards.

JOY noun
1.
the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation: She felt the joy of seeing her son's success.
2.
a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated: Her prose style is a pure joy.
3.
the expression or display of glad feeling; festive gaiety.
4.
a state of happiness or felicity.

Thoughts?? Have you set a word yet?? I think I need to go read and get caught up on my favorite bloggers!!

UM......

OK, the volunteer job has brought in some pay now....long story but anyhow...

I am still me, I am still hopeful for many things.

We are now into OCT and my word remains HOPE cuz I still have some regardless of anything I am walking through. Why? Because HE IS.

HE IS My Shelter in this storm
HE IS My Provider in all things
HE IS My Rock
HE IS
HE IS
HE IS

Can You Say Volunteer?

You got it, never really did it before but I find myself working overtime at it right now! All for a worthy cause.

So on the plus side

It is getting me out of the house.....
I'm taking some weight back off.......
I'm meeting new peeps........
I'm still applying for paying jobs....
I can come and go as I please....
I have been able to attend 2 events that I wouldn't have attended w/o being a volunteer.....

GOD is good and HE IS faithful!

Earth Quake, Hurricane and My Birthday All In One Week!!

I have survived all 3! ;-P

First the earth quake.....windows rattled, floor rumbled under my feet and then it was over!

Hurricane Irene, well she lasted a lot longer!! the outer bands were here early and the tail stayed well into the next day! lost power but not for long (doing happy dance for that) and damage was minimal around here. Praise HIM!

Birthday ~ can I really be 49 now? hhhmmm yes I can!

So I woke up this morning and thought...in a year I will be 50 and I can decide NOW how I want to get there......healthy, wealthy and wise or .. well, the or really isn't an option. So I need to work on getting healthy, wealthy and wise! ;-P

First step to healthy would be to get my eating and drinking under control and get some exercise going on a regular basis ~ you know the same old thing!

Wealthy......first step would be to land a job and start paying off some debt! HE IS in control! HE has the perfect job for me. I need it now!

Wise....try to learn something new every day??

That's my thoughts for today!!

Getting Myself Together

Why? Because I need to do it for ME.

I need to get on a regular schedule of rise and shine and bedtime. I need to get on regular meal plan and stop the junk food munching. I need to get on an exercise plan. Yep, that's what I need to do..... Just DO IT already!! ;-)

Can NOT believe I will be 49 in 5 days.

Seasons come and go.

My baby started college yesterday.

Seasons come and go.

Both my boys have girlfriends.

Seasons come and go.

Trying to fight off EMO thoughts this morning.

Seasons come and go.

(maybe I should change the blog title)

What Am I Doing?

I shouldn't be doing this @ my age! ;-P Job hunting? Really? Taking tests like an elementary student? Really? Being rejected over and over again! Really?

I know what I want to do but that dream is over so I can't hold on to it any longer.

I know what I need to do......find a job, any job, just get out into the workforce again and go from there. Continue to work all job leads, sell my Juice Plus and bread on the side, anything!!

This is totally frustrating to me.

onward and downward........(well not so much downward but onward)

What Am I Feeling Today and Weigh In

Scale yelled 201 pounds right into my face this morning. That's up a pound from last week. wth?

If I could control my emotions, my eating and my life I might be good to go. We all know I can't do that. My self control is down, my emotions are on a roller coaster ride, my eating is hit and miss, my exercise has been squished again (knee issue), my life is definitely out of control.

This morning I've been hit with overwhelming loneliness. I've cried for awhile now and it's not helping. It's just preventing me from putting makeup on. So why all the loneliness?? Well it's like this peeps....you can't take a woman who works full time, has two male teenagers, a husband, and a house to keep up with ~ move her to the mountains where she is 24/7 with her husband and constantly thinking of ways to build a practice, updating business blog, working the front desk a wee bit here and there, getting out into the community and meeting new peeps with the husband, going to church, going to Wednesday night suppers and Bible study, taking walks with the hubby, taking lots of little trips with the hubby, making friends AND then dump her in a new town with NOTHING, I have no friends, no family, no job, no church, it's me solo daily most of the day and it's lonely. Yes, I have things I could be doing and I do stuff to occupy my day...I look for jobs, I apply for jobs, I unpack boxes, I organize my stuff, I clean house, I do laundry, etc but it really doesn't help. Example: yesterday I unpack boxes of office stuff and what do I find? stickers I picked out special and ordered to give to child patients, broke my heart, knowing I will not be the person to give them out, I almost trashed them all right into the garbage bag but instead I closed the whole box of stuff up and stuck it in the back of the closet. My dream is over and it was just that my dream. I don't depend on other peeps to make me happy, to keep me company, to do things with me and normally I am cool flying solo and I can entertain myself for the most part but this is overwhelming right now for me. I feel lonely, helpless, empty, hopeless, and unhappy. And in 5 minutes I could feel the complete opposite. It's an emotional roller coaster for me anymore. Will the ride ever stop? If it does stop, I'm not buying any more tickets to get back on cuz it's not a fun ride.

I got a card in the mail from a friend a couple of weeks ago. It reads "Do you ever get that feeling....that your guardian angel went out for a smoke?" Well I think she's been on smoke break for over a year now and she needs to be fired. ;-P

onward and downward I go and I would like the downward to be scale related please....

Walking It Off...

the depression, the frustration, the bad attitude and hopefully the weight! Been doing 3 miles a day....must keep moving! ;-)

Attitude is everything

well sometimes.......right now I'm trying really hard to keep mine positive and to have hope in my future ~ I've exercised 3 days in a row and that has helped too. I think I can do this...I think I can ~ I think I can ~ I think I can! ;-P

The Doctor Was Right!!

Dr Minkin said I could, said I should, and I finally did!! 3 miles in 43:53 time ~ he said 3 miles in 45 mins but he also said more than once here and there bawhaha so I have to work on that AGAIN and get my butt moving on a REGULAR basis!

Exercise helps me clear my head, check my attitude, and makes me feel better overall.

I got myself into this mess in life and I have to get myself out. Working on me and my attitude is a good step, finding a job is a good step, stop worrying about a huge dead dream is a good step, pressing on towards the prize is a good step and the ultimate prize has nothing to do on this earth anyways....

It Just Plain Hurts....

Just when I get my big gurl panties on and start to come around with a glimmer of hope something slaps me in the face again and the hurt stings me, my heart breaks, and the tears come....so here is my "it hurts me" list ~ like it or not here it comes and if you my reader don't want to know what hurts me then stop reading now. ;-P


It hurts me that hubby and I failed in our own office/business adventure.

It hurts me that we weren't on the same page.

It hurts me we had to move from the beautiful mountains.

It hurts me to live in a place I've never even heard of before.

It hurts me when he talks to his new CA or talks about her to me cuz I was suppose to be his CA.

It hurts me to have no friends here.

It hurts me to be so spiritually dry.

It hurts me when he talks about his patients cuz they were suppose to be our patients.

It hurts me when I think about what I thought a perfect day would be like.

It hurts me when he talks about the office cuz we were suppose to have our own office.

It hurts me to have no job.

It hurts me to feel unwanted.

It hurts me to see the bills we owe.

It hurts me to think we may never recover financially.

It hurts me to be a failure.

It hurts me to feel so lonely.

It hurts me that I don't see my boys.

It hurts me to feel not needed.

It hurts me to be going through peri menopause.

It hurts me to not be doing better with my weight loss.

It hurts me to see the scale move up not down.

It hurts me to feel so numb.

It hurts me to wake up in the morning sometimes.

It hurts me hindsight is 20/20.

It hurts me to keep applying for jobs, I shouldn't be looking for one @ my age.

It hurts me to not know my feelings.

It hurts me to feel dead inside because the life has been sucked out of me.

It hurts me to feel like a drama queen.

It hurts me that I cry so often ~ sometimes over nothing. And when I say nothing I mean nothing.

It hurts me that I threw a hissy fit on Tuesday and threw everything off the top of my desk but the computer and printer and it felt good.

It hurts me that I can't sleep well worrying about finances.

It hurts me that I am where I am in life.

It hurts me to feel sad most of the time.

It hurts me to think I feel happy after a few big gurl drinks.

It hurts me that life hurts me right now.


I think that pretty much covers it ~ that's my list for today and if I repeated myself @ all then it must be a double hurt kind of thing. I know big pity party for me right? My life sucks and so do the lives of many others right now so cry me a river right? Others have it worse, others have bad health, others have bad finances, others have already lost everything they owned, I'm just being poor little Julie but it hurts me that this is real for me, I'd like to wake up from the nightmare anytime.

calling out Bandita Senorita!!

I see your comments and can post them on my blog but I can't get to your page to say THANKS for your words of encouragement so THANKS via post! ;-P

There I Did It!

I changed my profile location skipping one place completely but it went something like this in case you missed it....

I left St Louis, MO the end of October for Highlands, NC to live the rest of my life, working with my hubby in our own practice but...(isn't there always a little but) since we are accustomed to certain things in life (read: eating and living indoors) we closed our office and left the beautiful mountain top in NC the end of March. And here we are now on the eastern shore of Maryland ~ Salisbury MD to be exact ~ hubby has a job and as of this post I don't but surely there has got to be something here for me! ;-)

Missed It!

My 2 year bandaversary....oops! Thinking the band is the only thing going well in my life right now?! And it does remind me it's still there. In the last month I have been stuck a few more times than usual. watermelon, toast, and salad that I can remember off the top of my head were my culprits. Still forget to chew chew chew sometimes. ;-(

Happy Belated Bandaversary to me!

Do You Ever...

feel like a paper doll
totally cut apart
like the old time ones so paper thin
you cut the clothes out too and they had tabs on them

Katy Perry song stuck in my head LOL

But I do feel like a paper doll, totally cut out of the picture, waiting for my big gurl panties to show up with or without tabs. I feel stabbed in the heart almost daily. Just waiting to cave in. Last night I did, I caved into tears.

My new thing www.lifeiscrap.com I'd be the person with the bird poo on the head ~ and that my friends literally happened 2 weekends ago ~ cleaning the deck and one plopped a big one on my head.