The Struggle is REAL!

Still a daily battle of the bulge.  Got through the holidays with a weight gain ~ why of course I expected that.  Weighing in on Thursday mornings still, hanging around 210.  Will I ever get to ONEderland again?!  One can only hope.....

 So I posted the above, checked the view on the blog and realized it's exactly to the day of when I posted what 2 years ago?!  I am a slacker!  Sorry!  Maybe if I blogged more I'd think about not eating more!!

What the Doc Said...

all looks good!  everything still in place....
however
the esophagus is mildly out of shape from "just one more bite" I'm sure.
wake up call, fork in the road, do it right or have the gizmo taken away!
three rules:
1.  eat small meals (go back to the saucer size plate).
2.  eat every 3 hours.
3.  NO drink 30 mins before and 30 mins after a meal.

on another note I was given a 1 month pass to a gym today.

onward and downward ....

Next....

Went for my next visit to the local lap band doctor, I was up about 6 lbs since the first visit with him back in October.  Oh the holidays......how they got me.

The doctor asked me about an increase fill in my band?  I questioned about it already being maxed out?  Only way to tell what is going on inside and make sure everything is in place and the size it should be is well you lap band peeps know........

drink the gunk and watch it go down with an upper GI so this morning I did just that.

I go back to the lap band doctor next week.

I'll keep you posted (literally).

onward and downward......

ReDo? Start Overs? Second Chance?

Whatever you want to call it ~ I'm taking it!





I did the walk of shame today.... 

and I FINALLY went to a lapband doctor today, after not being checked in 3 years.  I answered all his questions, he does not feel like anything has slipped or is wrong from my answers.  I had the choice for an upper GI or not.  I pick not and will rely on his expertise.  He comes highly recommended in the local area so I have to trust he knows best and since I have no symptoms of problems.


Basically he was thinking the same as I have been thinking....I have learned to work the band instead of letting the band help me with my weight loss program.  I have learned to graze on food, drink my calories and eat crap I shouldn't be eating.  Duh on my part to fall back into my old bad habits.  What was I thinking?!  Or I wasn't I was just shoving life issues down my throat with food and drink!

So the scale was either 218.0 or 218.1 I couldn't tell.  To me that is a huge weight gain in 3 years. 

So I am reading the food and exercise information he gave and in the morning I plan to make some major adjustments....actually I just made one adjustment ~ I skipped the usual welcome home hot java with coffee creamer and had half an apple instead.  Go me!

I know I can do this, I just have to WANT to do it, set some goals and get some self control.  Nobody gonna do it for me.

Onward and downward I go! 

I Really Need....

to get back into blogging!!  I miss ya'll!!  I just got "caught up" ~ so much has happened in 4 months.  I shall try to do better!  promise! 

Second Day In A Row...

that my devotional really spoke to me.....I shall listen!  ;-)

I woke up thinking about the desire of my heart, HIS Word says HE gives us the desires of our hearts....for me not so much, not now and my mind says not ever....not gonna happen.

My devotional reads that Eve focused on the one fruit she couldn't have rather than being thankful for the many good things freely available ~ that's me!  Focus on the one thing I don't have.

It had been pushed to the back of mind, that one desire, just riding it out but it was brought full force to the front last night listening to someone talk about what they are doing, doing what I want to be doing and can't.  ;-(

devotional goes on to read:

"When you focus on what you don't have or on situations that displease you, your mind also becomes darkened.  You take for granted life, salvation, sunshine, flowers and countless other gifts from ME.  You look for what is wrong and refuse to enjoy life until that is "fixed."

...well I thought I was enjoying life until I had to endure the conversation of last night...then it was like BOOM HEAD SHOT you don't have and won't have the desires of your heart.

devotional ends with:

"When you approach Me with thanksgiving, the Light of My Presence pours into you, transforming you through and through.  Walk in the Light with Me by practicing the discipline of thanksgiving."

It is a discipline of thanksgiving when you feel like I feel and I feel like I can't get a break in a few situations in my life.  BUT I am thanking HIM today, right now for speaking to me, thanking HIM for seeing the sunshine streaming through the window, thanking HIM for java in my cup!

Official Weigh In of 2013

.....It's Thursday and since I am back on track.....

210.4

That's bad I know and I wanted to cry but I didn't ~ 10.4 pounds to ONEderland again....I can do it.

Onward and downward I go!  ;-)

This Morning I Was Asked...

by a friend about the pros and cons of my gizmo and there have been so many pros that in my eyes they way outweigh the cons ...

but I do miss a few things

like a gushy sticky white soft bread samwich washed down with a wonderful ice cold diet pop!  (my MI upbringing showing through - pop!)  I haven't had a soda since 2009, I don't do carbonated bevs cuz I get some horrible back shoulder pain from them....sometimes I can drink a beer if I do it slow and let it foam up.  We had a glass of bubbly champagne for news years eve and oh the pain I got from it....you would think I would learn!  As for that gushy sticky bread that I love so much (yes I still love it) ... it doesn't love me, it usually equals some PBing, some spitting and some talking to the toilet so I don't do samwiches unless I need a reminder HELLO STUPID this is GOING to get you stuck but go ahead with your dumb self and try it AGAIN!!  ;-P

so there ya have it....I miss two things I can think of.

I can eat celery now but I either pull the stringy stuff off or I spit it out.

I tried two oysters over the holidays........no thanks cuz I can't chew chew chew them and still enjoy them like the SC days.

french fries give me troubles - geez imagine that crap I shouldn't be eating anyways gets me stuck.

I think that covers it, I just know it was the right decision for me and I need to make it work for me again ~ today I started a 3 day fast, kind of a detox, get all that horrible sugar out of my body, get myself back on track and start my onward and downward  trend cuz I have some clothes in my closet that I SHOULD be able to wear by now!

I Got It!! Yes I Do!!

and it wasn't easy........

I kept flip flopping back and forth between two words for this year ~ that's right this year ~ 2013!!

Happy New Year everyone!

Back on topic......

My word for 2013 is something I have had.

Something I want again.

Something that needs to grow and be back where it was and beyond.

It's been a tough road, I feel like I have lost 2 years of my life somewhere along the line....and ya'll know I quit posting cuz if you can't say something nice ZIP IT!!

Sorry trying to stay on topic.......that is ALL history now.

My word is FAITH. 

noun

1.  Confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability.

2.  belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact.

3.  belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion: the firm faith of the Pilgrims.

4.  belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit, etc.: to be of the same faith with someone concerning honesty.

5.  a system of religious belief: the Christian faith; the Jewish faith.

 

For me personally, it's a belief in things unseen, in HIM Who is my all and all, HIS teachings ~ and I want mine to grow this year as I reach out to HIM and ask HIM to lead me every step of 2013 that I take.

 

Thanks for reading.........onward and downward I go!   

ALONE

I thought my word for 2012 was JOY however, I find myself ALONE much more, so maybe I should change it?!  Naw........keeping it JOY cuz that's what I really want.

As for alone, I spend a lot of time alone anymore.  After work, on weekends, and now on weekend nights......... 

But you know what, I'm gonna make the best of it.  ALONE can be good, do what I want, when I want, eat what I want, nobody trying to control me.  Maybe I will pick ALONE for my word for 2013!!

Hanging at 207 as far as poundage.  Joined a walking team at work, trying to walk off the pounds, found my pedometer, clipped it on....

life is about ME and nobody else.  Tired of life being about others.  At 50 I am getting a selfish attitude.

When will I smile again?  When will I laugh again?  When will I have JOY again?  The answer..............

now, cuz it's about me.......

Still Alive and Kicking!

It's been a long time since my last post.  I do pop in every now and then and check on my followers and those I follow to catch up on life.  Need to get myself together, find that balance, get back on track and rock some weight off.....baby steps?!  Should set some goals and go for them.  One being posting once a month?  ;-P

HOPE it comes and it goes....

Mostly goes. I had hope for a few weeks of opening our own office again and working together, building a nice patient base, having fun working it and such but about as quickly as the hope came it went away again. The deal fell through and so did my hope. It was exciting thinking about it for a couple of months and thinking about ways to build the business and market it. Wasn't meant to be. This whole thing brought up all the old feelings of failure, questions as to why things are this way and such. If the whole plan was to open our own place in NC the 7 years we were in college why this? Why if we wanted to work together do we each go our own ways daily? Why if we weren't suppose to work together did I learn about office things, web things, marketing things? I just don't get it and it frustrates me.

Now hope is not my word for 2012, JOY is and I'm still trying to get it back. 1/2 way through the year now and it's really not there. I continue to struggle with being where I am and I feel pretty lonely most of the time. So just exactly what, who or where will bring my joy back I don't know. ...thoughts of umbrella drinks on a beach come to mind...but really I don't think that would bring it back.

I changed jobs, traded my part time in for a full time one so things are looking up financially. Now to get a budget and stick to it! Debt is not my friend, it wears on me. Currently we are homeless while we wait for the rental house we want to rent to be vacant so we are living with a couple we met this past year, they have taken us in and treated us like family. Going to the storage unit to get stuff is depressing and we didn't know we'd be in storage this long but nobody wants to rent to us for 2 months. Not even apartment complexes. Thank you Lord for friends. We try to give them a break on weekends by going north or south to friends/family houses to visit and catch up on laundry. LOL - homeless = road trips to wash clothes!

Facing the big 5-0 in a couple of months puts things into perspective.... I'm too old for some of the crap I am having to deal with! FML

As for the gizmo, I haven't seen a doctor since 2010. It seems to work as I do get stuck if I don't chew chew chew. Liquid calories are not my friend. And I still haven't got myself together and back on track with diet and exercise. Would this bring my joy back?

off to find my self discipline.......

Lazy Sunday

And had to push to get my body into these jeans I am wearing like a girdle! Not cool. ;-p

Made it to church today....tried another one. HE has a place for me! I just need to find it. I am reading Jesus Calling as my devotional this year. Really getting some good stuff out of it! HE IS faithful.

Hope everyone has a great week and can meet some of the goals that have been set!!

Bringing It Down...

209.2 that gives me hope again peeps!! No exercise in about 2 weeks with the weather change (freezing cold outside)and my excuses not to move it. ;-( This weigh in might just be a fluke on the scale but I'm hoping not. Baby steps! Onward and downward....

I Knew It...

I knew it wasn't going to be pretty...
Now how to type it on my blog....
I've seen it....
I've written it in my journal...
But do I totally want to expose it to everyone in blog land?...
This is gonna hurt....
212.4 is what the official first 2012 weigh in was this morning....OUCH!
How depressing....
Let's see what I shall I blame it on....
me...
ME...
ME...
I can only blame myself for over indulgence, no food journal, eating unhealthy foods, drinking gallons of wine, no exercise, no goals.....
ME, I've done it to myself..
Now to correct it, baby steps, changes, focus on getting ME back on track.
It's starts today, here, now....let's roll (literally) onward and downward!!

Picked my word for 2012....

JOY just keeps coming up over and over again so that settles it!! My word for 2012 is JOY!! Now to set goals on how to reach maximum JOY in my life! I'm gonna set some long term goals, some short term goals and I'm gonna reach for the stars this year! What do I have to lose?! Weight for one thing!! bahaha ~ I'll be stepping on the scale this Thursday morning for my official 2012 weigh in. Why do I have a feeling it ain't gonna be pretty? Could be cuz my gut seems to stick out further than it ever has, I continually feel like a bloated fat cow and I'm just disgusted with myself. Yeppers, could be all that and then some!

So JOY it is my faithful followers ~ did you pick a word for 2012?

Merry CHRISTmas! I've missed you!!

Hello fellow bloggers...it's been awhile (again) sorry but you know me if I don't have something nice to say I should just keep my fingers still. ;-P

I am happy to say my sons were here with us for some time this holiday season! Being an empty nest mama is not all it's cracked up to be sometimes ~ LOL. I'm sure it has a lot to do with new area, not connected locally, no friends here....etc. You know the drill. No dwelling on that subject. Mama bear has been happy to have her cubs with her.

So I've been pondering over my word for 2012....again. hhhhhmmm since I want my JOY back I'm thinking very hard on that word. We drove around looking at lights tonight and I saw the word twice in two different yards.

JOY noun
1.
the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation: She felt the joy of seeing her son's success.
2.
a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated: Her prose style is a pure joy.
3.
the expression or display of glad feeling; festive gaiety.
4.
a state of happiness or felicity.

Thoughts?? Have you set a word yet?? I think I need to go read and get caught up on my favorite bloggers!!

UM......

OK, the volunteer job has brought in some pay now....long story but anyhow...

I am still me, I am still hopeful for many things.

We are now into OCT and my word remains HOPE cuz I still have some regardless of anything I am walking through. Why? Because HE IS.

HE IS My Shelter in this storm
HE IS My Provider in all things
HE IS My Rock
HE IS
HE IS
HE IS

Can You Say Volunteer?

You got it, never really did it before but I find myself working overtime at it right now! All for a worthy cause.

So on the plus side

It is getting me out of the house.....
I'm taking some weight back off.......
I'm meeting new peeps........
I'm still applying for paying jobs....
I can come and go as I please....
I have been able to attend 2 events that I wouldn't have attended w/o being a volunteer.....

GOD is good and HE IS faithful!

Earth Quake, Hurricane and My Birthday All In One Week!!

I have survived all 3! ;-P

First the earth quake.....windows rattled, floor rumbled under my feet and then it was over!

Hurricane Irene, well she lasted a lot longer!! the outer bands were here early and the tail stayed well into the next day! lost power but not for long (doing happy dance for that) and damage was minimal around here. Praise HIM!

Birthday ~ can I really be 49 now? hhhmmm yes I can!

So I woke up this morning and thought...in a year I will be 50 and I can decide NOW how I want to get there......healthy, wealthy and wise or .. well, the or really isn't an option. So I need to work on getting healthy, wealthy and wise! ;-P

First step to healthy would be to get my eating and drinking under control and get some exercise going on a regular basis ~ you know the same old thing!

Wealthy......first step would be to land a job and start paying off some debt! HE IS in control! HE has the perfect job for me. I need it now!

Wise....try to learn something new every day??

That's my thoughts for today!!