MiXeD EmOtIoNs

First off if you see water on your screen don't be alarmed, it's OK, it's just my eyes leaking tears from my emo self, it is harmless to your computer.

My big gurl panties aren't fitting too well these days.....

I quit my good paying cushy job with benefits the end of Oct to move to NC and start my dream job. Well the dream job was a complete failure $$ wise. But for the 5 months I was @ my dream job I did enjoy my commute (down a flight of stairs) and sitting on the bosses (aka hubby's) lap every now and then in his office during the work day, taking a lunch break with the boss, meeting and greeting new patients, collecting $$ for service rendered, etc etc etc. But all good things must come to an end (especially when they um don't pay ya a wage).

So now here I am in MD, broke, homeless and unemployed. Never been in MD before, have no friends or family here. My two sons stayed in MO when we moved to NC. Hence my MiXeD EmOtIoNs ~ in my opinion (and since this is MY blog) my life sucks right now. Hubby does have a job lined up but has not started yet. His income will not pay the bills. Therefore, here I go looking for a job for me. It's been many years since I have had to do a civilian type resume and land a job. Maybe walleyworld will hire me......."welcome to Walmart".

I find myself with tons of negative thoughts, I have learned from the best so if you can't beat them join them right?! I cry a lot, almost daily, just out of the blue comes waves of negative thinking, mixed emotions and I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I am going through the motions of life, putting one foot in front of the other, like a robot or something. Numb to the bone, defeated. Enough on that....

Since all my stuff is once again in boxes and storage unitSSS I do not have a scale to weigh myself so no weight update for ya'll. Clothes are still fitting so must be hanging about the same.

About 2 weeks ago I had a horrible sickness. I have not been that sick in years. First time since my gizmo was installed. Thinking it was food poisoning. All my stomach wanted to do was throw up, I tried to keep from doing such a thing but there was a couple times I thought my stomach was gonna come up through my throat, nothing like dry heaving. The whole next day was spent in bed, sleeping, running a fever but at least the throwing up part had stopped. I know as soon as I get settled into a place to live other than a hotel room I need to find a gizmo doctor and have him or her take a look @ things to confirm everything is in place and working properly. Hubby did call my original doctor ~ Dr Minkin ~ and talked to him while I was so sick and Dr Minkin told him what to do for me.

Last week I found my testimony and pictures on Dr Minkin's website! How cool! ;-P
http://www.mynewselfbariatrics.com/photoalbum.asp?id=460208&page=1 (maybe link will work ~ I don't know)

Sucking it up and pressing on ~ that's all for now folks.......

Thursday Weigh In

187.2 not my lowest and not my highest!! ;-P

It's almost my bithday! And my co worker put a few streamers on my cubical for me and left me a card since we won't work together again until one day next week. Hard to believe I'll be 48 this year. Some days I feel like a spring chicken, some days I feel like an old old old crippled up lady ~ I prefer spring chicken days!

Tomorrow I am planning a long road trip. I will load a variety of praise and worship music into the CD player and pray all goes well with the trip!

Tonight is support group but I have a list a mile long to accomplish and have to prepare the house for an Open House on Sunday. Thinking I won't make group.

Enough rambling ~ catch ya later ~ onward and downward I go..........

Happy First Birthday To My Gizmo!!

One year ago today my gizmo came to live inside of me!! ;-P

This morning my weigh in was the highest it's been all week (yes, I've been weighing every day again)

183.8 and I was 180.4 just 2 days ago?? I was trying to get to the 170's by the gizmo's birthday but that didn't happen. I'm OK with it.

There will be no celebrating with cake and ice cream for my gizmo and me, instead we are taking off for the weekend!! Gonna go meet the eye candy @ a 1/2 point to reconnect! What a birthday gift! ;-P

Need to post some new pics as I got a new do this past week....thanks for reading!

onward and downward....

Tomorrow Is The Big Day!!

6-18-09 to 6-18-10! I'll post more tomorrow! ;-)

MyNewSelf Success Story!!

Remember I posted the surgical place does a newsletter with testimonies? Well this month has mine! I am not sure how to post the newsletter itself with the pictures so until I figure that out here's my words:


Weight loss surgery? Me?! YES!
But not without a lot of consideration, research and weighing of the pros and
cons first! To me surgery is not something to be taken lightly. But I was at a
point in my life where I needed to take charge of my health and I needed help! I
needed a tool. So on 6/18/2009 I was given my “gizmo”, a Lap-band, by Doctor
Minkin.
The Lap-band was not the magic cure for my obesity, because I still have to do
my part! I need to eat right, keep a food journal and exercise, but it is a great
tool for taking weight off and keeping it off.
In the 10 months since surgery I have lost 51 pounds. I feel so much better
about my health, my eating habits and the path my life is taking. I no longer
dread exercise because it feels good to set goals and accomplish them, to push
my body beyond limits it has never seen. I like learning about high protein
foods, what foods work best with my Lap-band, and about supplements.
My gizmo has changed my life for the better. Onward and downward…..

A Little Review...

Went to the dietitian on Wednesday ~ let me first say I just love her! She is real, upbeat, informative and encouraging. She really cares about each person that comes into the practice for surgery. She doesn't judge your body size, she just wants to help you with your nutritional and vitamin needs. And she says when I move I can still contact the staff there!

My ideal body weight is 132 pounds, that's 100 lbs to take off since surgery, I've taken off 50 now and that's 50% ~ most lapbanders take off 55% of the weight in the first 12 months, I've done 50% in 9 months so I am considered a successful lapbander!! Hot diggity dog!

It's very early my time and I'm beat so if this doesn't read correctly you'll know why!

;-P

Gizmo Update! Traveling Clothes.

184.2 this morning...... working it!

Went to see my favorite lap band doctor this morning. He was dressed a little strange. Guessing the x-ray garb is for the protection of all, well everyone but the patient that is, LOL. He did a little tweak of a fill this morning under the flora thing x-ray ma bob (maybe I should google the technical name but does it really matter?!) Fact is he could see the port, the tube, the gizmo, the pouch that was created for me and we watched the fluid go in and down, a little tweak, more fluid in and down, interesting, wishing I could see a little better. Anyways his report was something like this "everything looks like it did the day I put it in". That is a good thing cuz my lap band brain often worries "did I eat too much that meal and stretch out my itty bitty pouch?!" He assured me my pouch looked great, keep up the good work, continue to eat good proteins, etc. Oh, and by the way, today....liquids, tomorrow next stage of foods, and the next day is the next stage of foods and back to normal after that.

Now my recent delima since last weeks visit has been trying to find a lap band doctor in the area I am moving to. The office that is the closest to my new home wants 500 bucks non refundable, goes nothing towards any of my care, just a flat 500 bucks to see my smiling face! (my face is really not worth that amount of money!) So I called the next one on the list...first visit 300-400 dollars, no fills, then upper GI, then a fill and each fill 111.00 ~ so I'm thinking "forget it, just give me a needle to have on hand incase of an emergency unfill". Dr Minkin set me straight on those thoughts and he is right, I need a local doctor, a local support system, etc. The lap band rep was on hand, gave me some info on where to go to and what to do and they will do all they can to help find me a new doctor in my new location.

On another note I made a trip to MI this past weekend and my Aunt Vivian has been cleaning out her closet and had the mother load of size 14s, 12s, 10s and etc etc etc! So I went through 2 totes of clothes, took capri pants that are very near being able to be worn by me and left jeans since I have so many already (and we are moving and I don't want to take more than I will use) ~ how exciting to enjoy the benefits of others losing weight before and faster than you!! I love having clothes travel to me, even if I have to pick them up!

onward and downward........

Here's a shot of the new to me clothes:

Forgive Me......

Dr Minkin for I have sinned....I ate things I shouldn't have eaten, I did not exercise and I had too many big girl drinks during the holidays. He asked something about was I talking about alcohol? I hung my head in shame and covered my face and shook my head yes...guilty as charged. He was not harsh but did say something about just think you didn't exercise and you over indulged and you still lost 6.8 pounds ~ you could maybe have lost 10 pounds or more! OUCH and oh so true and that hurt worse then a few harsh words ~ I'm such a moron ~ I know what to do and how to do it but I decided to "cut up" during the holidays!! We discussed things and decided no fill for me. I feel really comfortable with what I have right now and I'm almost to my max so I'm with the doctor, why fix something that isn't broken? Leave a little room for tweaking down the road. I go back in 8 weeks.

Basically last visit I was 195 and today I was 188.2 minus 6.8 lbs since 11/16/09 total weight loss 38.6 according to the doctor's scale.

Of course we all know I go by my scale!! LOL ;-)

He didn't take my gizmo away.....onward and downward!

So Ends The Last Day of 2009....And More!

Today is Thursday....weigh in day. Post Op Day 196 according to my records. The weight this morning is 187.6 and I'm thrilled with that as I have NOT been a good bandster for the whole time I've been off work! Sad but true.

As 2009 comes to an end tonight @ midnight I have to reflect a little on the year. I have to look @ where I was in January and where I am now.

Health ~ I believe I am on the right track with the healthier me journey. The gizmo has definitely helped me out. Without my gizmo I know I would be struggling worse than I am right now. Old habits are hard to break....especially food and drink ones for me! Husband and I were really working it great with food, drink and exercise and along came the cold winter blahs. We need to get back on track!

Homefront ~ Youngest son graduated this year from high school. Oldest son has gone off to college. And my husband has totally finished his college journey. So that means I am adjusting to being an empty nester, a Mom no longer needed, a woman who now has to change her priorities in life from putting husband and kids first to putting husband and self first. I believe I can do it!!

Spiritually ~ I am NO where near where I use to be. I have been dry for over a year now. That needs to change. For me personally I need to pray daily, read HIS Word daily and grow in HIM or I don't feel right. I'm not feeling right....but I do believe in HIM!

2010 will be a year of change for us I believe...I plan to get a new to me job in SC, the husband plans to open his own practice there, that is our goal anyways.

As you may have picked up by now "my word" has been and continues to be "believe".

Thanks Dr Minkin and Mynewselfbariactrics.com you have helped bring me from "no hope" to "I believe"!!

Meeting 411 ~ "Healthy Holiday Eating"

Some 411 notes from the meeting I attended last night:

First off we need to be realistic for the holidays....maybe not so much focused on losing weight but on maintaining our weight? Back in the day I could gain 20 lbs no problem during the holiday season and that is exactly why I joined WW back in Dec of 2005 and it has totally helped me not to put on a butt load of excess weight during the season ~ we shall see how the gizmo helps me out in this area this year! My first holiday season with my gizmo ~ how exciting!! ;-)

No beer, champagne, or sparkling wines..... I have done great w/o diet soda ~ not one sip since surgery! Champagne and sparkling wines ~ no problem but duh I've had a couple of beers ~ never thought of them being carbonated ~ hey they are just foamy! Oops...and reminder to self "no alcohol for 6 months after surgery"! Empty high liquid calories and it stimulates appetite.

Be prepared before going to a holiday get together. Think about what you are going to eat and plan to eat the foods you really like. Avoid the snack bowls. Bring a healthy dish if you are bringing something.

* Depriving yourself of special holiday foods, or feeling guilty when enjoying them, is not a healthful eating strategy.

* Deprivation and guilt certainly are not part of the holiday spirit.

On another note it was mentioned a "full feeling" for up to 4 hours after a 1/2 cup to 3/4 cup meal....hhhhmmm I must be missing something or I'm just doing a lot of grazing. I will focus on that today ~ listening to my body, eating when hungry and trying to put my stomach off 4 hours between meals!

P.S. Sorry I missed meeting my fellow bander last night in person! Maybe next meeting?! ;-)

Week In Review And A Little Recap Of Things..

197.4

Official weigh in this morning! Down 1.4 pounds from last week.

That's minus 34.8 pounds since day 1 of liquid Pre Op diet.

Surgery date was 6/18/09 so I am Post Op 147 days. It will be 5 months next week? So rounding off that makes it about 7 pounds per month. I should be doing better than that I think. I am sure when I go see Dr Minkin on Monday if my weight loss is not up to par he will let me know. :-(

Week of food in review:
The WW point system didn't work so well for me this week ~ why?! Because I keep going "over" daily! Calorie counting hasn't worked either ~ why?! Because I go over 1,200 daily. And let me just say my "journal" is not up to par. I seem to focus more on the amount of food @ any given meal rather than the calorie content. Am I doing this wrong? I think I will attend the "Weigh2Success" class tonight @ the My New Self Bariactrics place. The classes are open to weight loss surgery patients who are 3 months post-op or beyond. The classes focus on long term nutrition lifestyle management. Yeppers, I need to know how to manage this gizmo! On a good note ~ no big girl drinks since Sunday night!

Week of exercise in review: 5 days out of 7 isn't bad!
Fri = hike @ Castlewood (steps x2)
Sun = weighted ball workout DVD (squats/lunges are not my friend)
Mon = 2 mile walk in the neighborhood (hurry up before it gets dark!)
Tues = weighted ball workout DVD (squats/lunges are still not my friend)
Wed = hike @ Castlewood (Riverview trail ~ steps only once and then it was downward!)

If I make it to the class tonight I'll post any good 411 I obtain from it!!

Onward and downward I go.......... ;-)

NEW yes NEW clothes for me!!

I bought two NEW pairs of pants, a new turtle neck type shirt and a new vest over the past two days!! Was surprised to be able to fit into a "L" size business type jacket @ that something something Banks store ~ the small size store not the plus size part of that chain. Nice surprise!! Now if I could only find some boots.....tall boots will not fit over my fat calf area and zip up....totally stinks but finding a short boot would be a "happy" for me.

On another subject weekends remain to be my weakend....sleeping is off, schedule is off, food intake is off, big girl drink consumption is @ a prime.... Dr Minkin says no alcohol for 6 months following surgery but I really like a glass of wine here and there!

We had sushi for dinner (we roll our own) and I have no problems eating it but did spit out the seaweed wrap stuff tonight as it just didn't want to chew chew chew very well. I just bought the wraps so they shouldn't be old....maybe they were too fresh to chew well?? who knows ~ it was all good anyways!

Hello to my new followers too!! Glad to have ya follow me!! Onward and downward.....

Squeeze If You Can....

...into 16 jeans! I did and I wore them out in public tonight. They are definitely snugger than the 18's I've been wearing but they feel good. Moving onward and downward with the help of my gizmo.........

btw got an EOB today for the date of my last "fill" ~ $900.00 unpaid by ins co so I will have to call them Monday to get it straightened out. But $900 for a little poke with a needle and some saline solution? Glad I am not a self pay!

and welcome new follower today!! ;-)

Surgery Anniversary Day!

Banded 6/18/09.
Started 3 day liquid Pre Op diet @ 232.2
Weighed in this morning @ 200.6
That's minus 31.6 pounds in 3 months.

I'm thinking that's pretty good considering I have not starved, I have not denied myself bites of things I like, I have not killed somebody, I have not over exercised, I have had big girl drinks, I am back to 2 cups of coffee a day (morning and afternoon), and I have not made myself unhappy about my decision to have the surgery! ;-)

Second Fill ...

wt: 202.4

I've been holding steady on the weight for about 3 weeks now ~ hovering just above ONEderland ~ ugh!

Had my second "fill" yesterday. Here's the questions and answers:

Type of band? LAP-BAND AP System

How many CCs in? 8 1/2 now (was 8 CCs before yesterday)

How close can I have fills? in about 8 weeks maybe get another fill but if the band only holds 9 CCs how much more can one band take?

So my next appt is in Nov 16th.

Doctor asked if I was drinking with meals, if I was exercising and how often, if I'd had any problems with food.

I know for myself I need to focus on eating only when hungry, not grazing, not eating something just because it's there and cut back on the big girl drinks.

onward and downward!

Surgery Day

225.6 so minus 6.6lbs on pre-op liquid diet. Normally I'd gain this all back after eating one REAL meal!

4:30 AM rise and shine ~ nothing to eat or drink since before 10PM.

Still have a slight headache that started last night ~ could be caffeine withdrawal or hormonal.

Feel good other than the headache and being tired ~ rough night of trying to fall asleep and stay asleep.

Not sure what time my surgery actually was. I know I was in the holding area for a very long time w/o any good drugs to calm my nerves but I really wasn't nervous, I had a peace about the surgery and I just wanted it DONE @ this point in time.

In my room I have my own self activating pain pump for pain meds (I love pushing buttons). My pain is less than I expected and I am walking as much as possible to get the gas pumped into me during the operation out of me! I only have 3 incisions and they don't look very big, especially the one for the liver retractor ~ about the size of the tip of my pinky finger.

So anyways it's a done deal ~ no turning back now!! No going back to my old bad eating habits, no overeating, no eating just because ~ must focus on keeping my meals small from this day forward....and so my banded life begins...

Started my cycle late into the night after surgery this morning ~ oh joy ~ let's just compound my issues!

Tests Are In and I'm On "A List"

yes, there is a list and when my name comes up they will gather all my paperwork and submit it to my insurance company. Again, hurry up and wait ~ geez I wanted to be skinny already!

Required Tests

Today I show up for all my required tests ~ they kind of "round robin" you through the various test spots. Only issue is .... Psycho Doc is a no show this morning.

So I spent most of my day being tested ~ chest xray, treadmill walking, nutritional counseling, etc etc.

Hurry up and wait.

Initial Office Visit w/Dr Minkin

11:30 AM is my appointment time and hubby and I are going together to this initial visit.

I bring with me:
~ 5 year weight history from medical doctors (this was fun to get since I had so many different doctors the last 5 years)
~ 20 pages all filled out that were given to me @ the seminar. (can you say writer's cramps?)
~ my sleep apnea study report from 2003. (it was fun to call "hotel hell" and get info that was 6 years old)
~ my complaints. (depression, sleep apnea, hip pain, etc etc ~ it's no fun being obese incase you didn't know)

After listening to the doctor's blurb, hubby and I asked a few questions and about our business we went.

Getting The Ball Rolling....

I have selected the facility (mynewselfbariactics.com) and the doctor (Darin M. Minkin, D.O.) all over the internet.

I have reserved a spot for the hubby and I @ the upcoming seminar (yes, I need hubbie's support) on 4/14/09. The doctor I selected is conducting the Educational Seminar. This seminar is required before surgery. (The seminar was very informative btw). When I set up for the seminar I also made my initial appointmet with Dr. Minkin.....