MiXeD EmOtIoNs

First off if you see water on your screen don't be alarmed, it's OK, it's just my eyes leaking tears from my emo self, it is harmless to your computer.

My big gurl panties aren't fitting too well these days.....

I quit my good paying cushy job with benefits the end of Oct to move to NC and start my dream job. Well the dream job was a complete failure $$ wise. But for the 5 months I was @ my dream job I did enjoy my commute (down a flight of stairs) and sitting on the bosses (aka hubby's) lap every now and then in his office during the work day, taking a lunch break with the boss, meeting and greeting new patients, collecting $$ for service rendered, etc etc etc. But all good things must come to an end (especially when they um don't pay ya a wage).

So now here I am in MD, broke, homeless and unemployed. Never been in MD before, have no friends or family here. My two sons stayed in MO when we moved to NC. Hence my MiXeD EmOtIoNs ~ in my opinion (and since this is MY blog) my life sucks right now. Hubby does have a job lined up but has not started yet. His income will not pay the bills. Therefore, here I go looking for a job for me. It's been many years since I have had to do a civilian type resume and land a job. Maybe walleyworld will hire me......."welcome to Walmart".

I find myself with tons of negative thoughts, I have learned from the best so if you can't beat them join them right?! I cry a lot, almost daily, just out of the blue comes waves of negative thinking, mixed emotions and I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I am going through the motions of life, putting one foot in front of the other, like a robot or something. Numb to the bone, defeated. Enough on that....

Since all my stuff is once again in boxes and storage unitSSS I do not have a scale to weigh myself so no weight update for ya'll. Clothes are still fitting so must be hanging about the same.

About 2 weeks ago I had a horrible sickness. I have not been that sick in years. First time since my gizmo was installed. Thinking it was food poisoning. All my stomach wanted to do was throw up, I tried to keep from doing such a thing but there was a couple times I thought my stomach was gonna come up through my throat, nothing like dry heaving. The whole next day was spent in bed, sleeping, running a fever but at least the throwing up part had stopped. I know as soon as I get settled into a place to live other than a hotel room I need to find a gizmo doctor and have him or her take a look @ things to confirm everything is in place and working properly. Hubby did call my original doctor ~ Dr Minkin ~ and talked to him while I was so sick and Dr Minkin told him what to do for me.

Last week I found my testimony and pictures on Dr Minkin's website! How cool! ;-P
http://www.mynewselfbariatrics.com/photoalbum.asp?id=460208&page=1 (maybe link will work ~ I don't know)

Sucking it up and pressing on ~ that's all for now folks.......

Happy First Birthday To My Gizmo!!

One year ago today my gizmo came to live inside of me!! ;-P

This morning my weigh in was the highest it's been all week (yes, I've been weighing every day again)

183.8 and I was 180.4 just 2 days ago?? I was trying to get to the 170's by the gizmo's birthday but that didn't happen. I'm OK with it.

There will be no celebrating with cake and ice cream for my gizmo and me, instead we are taking off for the weekend!! Gonna go meet the eye candy @ a 1/2 point to reconnect! What a birthday gift! ;-P

Need to post some new pics as I got a new do this past week....thanks for reading!

onward and downward....

Tomorrow Is The Big Day!!

6-18-09 to 6-18-10! I'll post more tomorrow! ;-)

So Ends The Last Day of 2009....And More!

Today is Thursday....weigh in day. Post Op Day 196 according to my records. The weight this morning is 187.6 and I'm thrilled with that as I have NOT been a good bandster for the whole time I've been off work! Sad but true.

As 2009 comes to an end tonight @ midnight I have to reflect a little on the year. I have to look @ where I was in January and where I am now.

Health ~ I believe I am on the right track with the healthier me journey. The gizmo has definitely helped me out. Without my gizmo I know I would be struggling worse than I am right now. Old habits are hard to break....especially food and drink ones for me! Husband and I were really working it great with food, drink and exercise and along came the cold winter blahs. We need to get back on track!

Homefront ~ Youngest son graduated this year from high school. Oldest son has gone off to college. And my husband has totally finished his college journey. So that means I am adjusting to being an empty nester, a Mom no longer needed, a woman who now has to change her priorities in life from putting husband and kids first to putting husband and self first. I believe I can do it!!

Spiritually ~ I am NO where near where I use to be. I have been dry for over a year now. That needs to change. For me personally I need to pray daily, read HIS Word daily and grow in HIM or I don't feel right. I'm not feeling right....but I do believe in HIM!

2010 will be a year of change for us I believe...I plan to get a new to me job in SC, the husband plans to open his own practice there, that is our goal anyways.

As you may have picked up by now "my word" has been and continues to be "believe".

Thanks Dr Minkin and Mynewselfbariactrics.com you have helped bring me from "no hope" to "I believe"!!

Meeting 411 ~ "Healthy Holiday Eating"

Some 411 notes from the meeting I attended last night:

First off we need to be realistic for the holidays....maybe not so much focused on losing weight but on maintaining our weight? Back in the day I could gain 20 lbs no problem during the holiday season and that is exactly why I joined WW back in Dec of 2005 and it has totally helped me not to put on a butt load of excess weight during the season ~ we shall see how the gizmo helps me out in this area this year! My first holiday season with my gizmo ~ how exciting!! ;-)

No beer, champagne, or sparkling wines..... I have done great w/o diet soda ~ not one sip since surgery! Champagne and sparkling wines ~ no problem but duh I've had a couple of beers ~ never thought of them being carbonated ~ hey they are just foamy! Oops...and reminder to self "no alcohol for 6 months after surgery"! Empty high liquid calories and it stimulates appetite.

Be prepared before going to a holiday get together. Think about what you are going to eat and plan to eat the foods you really like. Avoid the snack bowls. Bring a healthy dish if you are bringing something.

* Depriving yourself of special holiday foods, or feeling guilty when enjoying them, is not a healthful eating strategy.

* Deprivation and guilt certainly are not part of the holiday spirit.

On another note it was mentioned a "full feeling" for up to 4 hours after a 1/2 cup to 3/4 cup meal....hhhhmmm I must be missing something or I'm just doing a lot of grazing. I will focus on that today ~ listening to my body, eating when hungry and trying to put my stomach off 4 hours between meals!

P.S. Sorry I missed meeting my fellow bander last night in person! Maybe next meeting?! ;-)

My Inspiration For The Day....

In the words of a fellow blogger (www.sallyslapbandjourney.blogspot.com) because she so inspired me this morning! Go check out the rest of her blog ~ she has great tips!

"On the 20 hour drive back I pondered these questions:

Have the physical and emotional changes over the past 15 months been worth it? Abso-damn-lutely yes! I would do this all over again. I can't remember when I've felt this good.

What has been the most surprising part of this journey? The increase in my self-confidence. I received a promotion about a month ago - I attribute that promotion directly to my increase in self-confidence.

What has been the most disappointing part of this journey? The fact that I waited several years before looking in to weight loss surgery. I was ashamed that I couldn't seem to control my weight on my own. How silly that seems now.

What has been the most enjoyable part of the journey? Over the past few months, through the blog and through word-of-mouth contact, I've met so many new people that are experiencing the same things I've experienced. I love to talk with them about the journey, what I've discovered, hear about their successes, and hopefully help them through tough times.

This journey will continue for the rest of my life - but every day gets a little easier. I now have to focus on maintaining my weight and being the healthiest I can be - after all, wasn't that the whole point to weight loss surgery?

I can't wait to continue blogging about this journey."

Official Weigh In....Not So Much Good News...

198.8

so that is slightly up. Why? Well let's look @ my food journal ~ oh wait I see it's only about half way filled out each day ~ hhhhhmmm. OK, well then let's review that exercise log ~ one mall slow walk, one hike, other than that just cleaning, painting, etc ~ hhhhhhmmmmm.

Bottom line: I know WHAT to do, I know HOW to do it, I have all the TOOLS I need, so what exactly is my problem?!

Done beating myself up this morning ~ hope to have a much better week this coming week and a better weigh in next Thursday morning!

Thanks for sticking with me as I move onward and downward..... ;-)

NSV!!

197.8 this morning....thinking I will have an official weigh in day since it fluctuates daily ~ maybe Thursday mornings will be my new official weigh in!

Anyways NSV ~ went on a hike this afternoon and decided to wear my running fanny bag thing to hold my water bottle and a few other items in the side pockets and I haven't worn this since sometime in the spring maybe?! So I throw it in the trunk of the car and when we get to the park I put it on and guess what it's about 2 inches too big for my waist so I have to do an adjustment to it!! Yeah!! Made me smile! ;-) That's my NSV!

The hike was over 3 1/4 miles long ~ @ some point the man candy thought we might be off the trail and was concerned about it getting dark and not being able to see the trail but we made it out of the woods just fine and before dark. I did have my ankle wrapped for support and picked up walking stick @ the trailhead that helped out a couple of times on the rough terrain. The ankle continues to heal so that's a good thing!

Onward and downward........

Reviewing Some Scale Success...

197 today! ;-)

I felt the need to review some scale success to put a smile on my face this morning so here I go!

I started Weight Watchers on 12/6/05 @ 258.2 that's minus 61.2 lbs total to today.

I had lapband surgery on 6/18/09 @ 232.2 that's minus 35.2 lbs since surgery. That's about 8.8 lbs per month with my gizmo.

Just throwing that out there...slowly but surely onward and downward.

My New Outfit

199.2


Need I write more?! I was feeling a little sassy in my new outfit! LOL ~ wearing it to work tomorrow. ;-)

....loving my gizmo even if a bite of dried papaya got hung up yesterday afternoon!....cured my papaya craving for now!!

Welcome Amanda ~ thanks for following me onward and downward!! ;-)

Eyes Still Bigger Than My Stomach? Or Just Worried About Being Watched?

198.2

or pouch should I say?! Anyways...

I use the same type of plate nightly for dinner now. It's a salad plate with circles. I put my food into the smallest circle and am comfortable after eating that amount of food. Last night my 1/2 of a chicken breast was a little over the circle, I had a dab each of mac salad, potato salad and creamy Cole slaw all within the circle. I thought once I peeled off the skin, took out the cartilage bone thing my chicken would be smaller so a little over the circle was OK. I worked on my chicken first (protein) with a bite of creamy style Cole slaw here and there to get some wetness in there. Slowly I chewed, ate, enjoyed my food. Yes, I was enjoying my food and had every intention of eating it all. Hubby was next to me and kept looking @ my plate while he was eating his salad ~ I saw him look at least 3 times @ my plate. At about the 4th glance @ my plate I had a small amount of all my side salads left. Since I knew I was being watched I asked the hubster if he wanted the rest of my food. And he takes my plate and says "I was wondering how you were gonna fit all that into your pouch." ??!!

On another note today is Post Op Day 112. My weight this morning was slightly up from 2 days ago. Today was 198.2, two days ago it was 197.6 ~ maybe I shouldn't weigh every day and just go with once a week since it does fluctuate daily.

We did our hike last night, stairs X's 2 ~ I felt rather weak last night after conquering the 804 steps on the stairs ~ not the muscle shaky stuff but just weak. The hubby and I went over my diet driving home ~ enough proteins? enough carbs? ~ my diet hasn't changed so I'm thinking it was just a weak kind of moment.

On the hike I saw a walking stick crossing the path ~ haven't seen or heard of one of those in years. Better than the snake I saw the last trip!

Note To Self

197.6
Post Op Day 110
Good day yesterday ~ must focus on only eating when hungry or I will quickly & easily fall back into my old eating habits ~ go figure ~ just when I thought it was ALL about the band!! (like I didn't know it would require work on my part ... you know eating right and exercising!!)

..I Got Some Tonight!!...

Exercise that is!! (what were YOU thinking?!) Did the hike @ the state park 1 hour and 10 mins ~ we haven't been out there in two weeks. Did the stairs twice 201 down, 201 up, 201 down, 201 up @ the bottom of the stairs both times I did 10 push ups on the park bench. Go me! Feeling good about my day today...ate right, journaled my food intake and got some exercise! ;-)

Squeeze If You Can....

...into 16 jeans! I did and I wore them out in public tonight. They are definitely snugger than the 18's I've been wearing but they feel good. Moving onward and downward with the help of my gizmo.........

btw got an EOB today for the date of my last "fill" ~ $900.00 unpaid by ins co so I will have to call them Monday to get it straightened out. But $900 for a little poke with a needle and some saline solution? Glad I am not a self pay!

and welcome new follower today!! ;-)

Eating Out ~ To Tell or Not To Tell...

I say don't tell, not everyone has the need to know about my gizmo...

It is a hard choice to make. To tell or not to tell. While on vacation there were "food pushers" now don't get me wrong I know they were just looking out for me...but here's an example or two.

Outback was an easy one ~ the appetizer crab stuffed shrimp dish worked out very well and I had enough to share with the eye candy. I skipped the fresh baked wonderful smelling bread. These peeps did not know about my gizmo and were just fine with what we ordered/ate.

The local place the next night....I opted for a CUP of minestrone soup over the bowl. The person treating us to dinner said something about "are you sure that's all you want?". I felt bad thinking he was thinking I was pinching pennies and that was not the case. The waitress brings my bowl of soup and says the chef thought a CUP wasn't enough. (OK, is this a compliment that the chef was concerned about his portion size or was this a "fat girl needs more than a CUP of soup" side ways insult?!") Either way, I couldn't finish the soup, I had one bite of the man candy's fish and I was more than satisfied. We both skipped the bread brought to the table. This person did not know about my gizmo and it all worked out with just a little fuss over my order.

The other local place was very expensive but an appetizer had already been suggested before we got to the place so I was all set on it regardless of the 16 dollar price tag. I ate less than half of it and gave the rest to the man candy ~ the thing was absolutely wonderful!! Kind of a stacked sushi dish with tuna, then avocado then rice. I would have taken the leftovers home but I knew the man candy was still hungry (I could see it in his eyes). These peeps already know about my gizmo and they don't worry about what I eat or don't eat and that's the way I like it ~ no fuss!!

Our last night in town the peeps we stayed with cooked for us ~ a huge couple of chunks of steak (it was wonderful) and we had picked up fresh shrimp right off the shrimp boat (too good), there were beans, corn on the cob, rice and wine. I asked for a bite of man candy's corn on the cob, I had my own strip of steak, shrimp, rice and beans but just wanted to taste the corn. The host told me I could have my own corn there was plenty, I explained I only wanted a taste. He then said if you don't mind me asking is there anything on the menu you can't eat? I said steak and wine ~ we toasted and went about our meal LOL. He said he wouldn't ask me questions if he didn't know me so well ~ I say ask away but don't change the menu or anything for me....no fuss please!!

Second Fill ...

wt: 202.4

I've been holding steady on the weight for about 3 weeks now ~ hovering just above ONEderland ~ ugh!

Had my second "fill" yesterday. Here's the questions and answers:

Type of band? LAP-BAND AP System

How many CCs in? 8 1/2 now (was 8 CCs before yesterday)

How close can I have fills? in about 8 weeks maybe get another fill but if the band only holds 9 CCs how much more can one band take?

So my next appt is in Nov 16th.

Doctor asked if I was drinking with meals, if I was exercising and how often, if I'd had any problems with food.

I know for myself I need to focus on eating only when hungry, not grazing, not eating something just because it's there and cut back on the big girl drinks.

onward and downward!

My Mom's Birthday!! Post-Op Day 68

wt: 202.8

First ~ HaPpY BiRtHdAy MoM!! ;-) (she's my biggest fan on my blog LOL)

Second ~ I have been cutting up for about a week now and playing with the same pound up and down the scale. Time to knuckle down and get to ONEderland!! Haven't exercised in days (since last week w/the personal trainer), haven't journaled properly either, eating not completely under control, NOT good!! Must get focused again and press on towards the prize!

Today I started a new journal as the old one was filled up. Now to keep it going all day until bedtime......writing what you eat really opens your eyes! I need to eat only when hungry and no snacking "just because". For those of you that are still thinking that the lap band surgery is the easy way out ~ I'm here to remind you "it's NOT!" you still have to do the right thing in order to take weight off and keep it off ~ the lap band is just a tool to help you out.

I had an issue with a bite of potato last night that resulted in "sliming" but no where near as bad as the first episode! I spit up twice and was over it. Why don't I remember to chew chew chew?! Especially that first bite?!

Surgery Day

225.6 so minus 6.6lbs on pre-op liquid diet. Normally I'd gain this all back after eating one REAL meal!

4:30 AM rise and shine ~ nothing to eat or drink since before 10PM.

Still have a slight headache that started last night ~ could be caffeine withdrawal or hormonal.

Feel good other than the headache and being tired ~ rough night of trying to fall asleep and stay asleep.

Not sure what time my surgery actually was. I know I was in the holding area for a very long time w/o any good drugs to calm my nerves but I really wasn't nervous, I had a peace about the surgery and I just wanted it DONE @ this point in time.

In my room I have my own self activating pain pump for pain meds (I love pushing buttons). My pain is less than I expected and I am walking as much as possible to get the gas pumped into me during the operation out of me! I only have 3 incisions and they don't look very big, especially the one for the liver retractor ~ about the size of the tip of my pinky finger.

So anyways it's a done deal ~ no turning back now!! No going back to my old bad eating habits, no overeating, no eating just because ~ must focus on keeping my meals small from this day forward....and so my banded life begins...

Started my cycle late into the night after surgery this morning ~ oh joy ~ let's just compound my issues!

Tests Are In and I'm On "A List"

yes, there is a list and when my name comes up they will gather all my paperwork and submit it to my insurance company. Again, hurry up and wait ~ geez I wanted to be skinny already!

Initial Office Visit w/Dr Minkin

11:30 AM is my appointment time and hubby and I are going together to this initial visit.

I bring with me:
~ 5 year weight history from medical doctors (this was fun to get since I had so many different doctors the last 5 years)
~ 20 pages all filled out that were given to me @ the seminar. (can you say writer's cramps?)
~ my sleep apnea study report from 2003. (it was fun to call "hotel hell" and get info that was 6 years old)
~ my complaints. (depression, sleep apnea, hip pain, etc etc ~ it's no fun being obese incase you didn't know)

After listening to the doctor's blurb, hubby and I asked a few questions and about our business we went.